Cathy in the Wright

Blue Monday: Not The Worst Day Of This Week

I'm in a black mood this morning. I went back to bed after seeing The Senator off on the bus and woke up when the telephone rang. The caller identified herself from a local county hospital and I leapt out of bed. Who's in the hospital? What happened? The Senator? Why didn't the school call? What?! What?! And then the lady continued and explained she was with Dr. G., the allergist, and didn't The Governor have an appointment scheduled for ten minutes ago?

$%@!@^*

I can't believe I forgot his appointment. I never miss appointments. I'm the patient who shows up twenty minutes early just in case the dope scheduled before me forgets his appointment and I can get a jump on my day.

$#!*&^#*

The problem can be placed squarely on The Governor's shoulders, of course. He's been waking up in the middle of the night. Last night it was coughing. Wednesday night it was a foot cramp. Tuesday night he called me to his bedside to inform me that he was never getting out of his bed again and then asked, "How long are you going to keep me for?" I couldn't tell if he was fearful of an early release or hoping for one. When I told him he had at least fourteen more years before he could move out on me, he laid back down and closed his eyes. I didn't move right away, and he opened his eyes and said, "How come you're still here?"

Only fourteen more years.

Before I go I'd just like to add that in addition to missing the appointment, the following things are irritating me: No Chex Mix in the cupboard, the length of my hair, Alan Thicke, my luke-warm bottle of pop, and any headline that includes the words "Hillary" and "Up".

Thank you for caring. I feel better now.

Heh

Deann sent me a bunch of great new graphics. This is one of my favorites:

This one is for Gary:

Childhood Milestone Achieved

Every parent can tick off a list of their kids' milestones. Mine usually are the big steps that make life easier for me: the umbilical cord finally fell off...the last bottle I ever had to wash...no more carrying children around in an infant car seat...the final diaper...he can buckle his own seatbelt...and so forth. And as of 3:30 p.m. yesterday, I get to add one more.

No more fiddling with the child safety latches on the cupboard doors. I unscrewed them all and disposed of them with great satisfaction. My house is now a veritable land mine of unprotected dangers.

And now that The Governor is old enough to understand the difference between Windex and Kool-Aid...if he does decide to experiment with any of the forbidden under-the-counter goods, it's going to come with a healthy dose of "I told you so." and "Bet that stings, doesn't it?" as I call 911.

I'll See Your Dead Cat Skull And Raise You One

My good buddy Dave sent me a real winner. I opened the photo and instinctively wanted to curl into a fetal position. I can't even imagine what you guys are going to do when you see this one.

Warning: this is really gross. Remember the fish hook in the eye I posted a while back? This is worse.

Click "Continue reading..." to see what happens when you take a leak on a 3-phase electrical fence.

UPDATE: Alert reader and occasional taunter, Chris H., runs the picture through a Snopes check and finds that the photo is actually a poor sap who was treated for genital herpes in China. As Gary says...either way, "Ouch."

Men...doI hear a collective, "Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhh..."?

Nana: You Probably Don't Want To Let Bup Read This One

My father-in-law has a soft spot for the neighborhood feral cats.

The other day Hoocher and I were on a walk and half way to the Tin Shed (tractor storage and local watering hole for the neighbors), Hoocher picked up this beauty:

I thought it was a rabbit at first, but a quick inspection of the underside of the skull revealed some sharp, pointy teeth. And we all know that rabbits with sharp, pointy teeth only exist in the movies. So what Hoocher picked up for his afternoon tea was a kitty skull.

Aelfheld...if you need to run and get a tissue, I'll understand.

My best guess is a coyote got him. Our neighbors lost a couple of barn cats last month to the sneaky buggers as well. Either that or he was a hit and run victim when someone left the Tin Shed after one too many Busch Lights.

Alas, poor Yorick.

Bup...if you are reading this...if I find the rest of the carcass, I'll toss it in the fire pit and we'll give him a proper Viking send-off next time we torch the burn pile.

I Believe I Heard He's Going To Walk All The Way Across The Atlantic

Watch for the sky to darken, veils to split, earthquakes to shake the land, and saints to rise from the dead: David Beckham is coming to America to save us pagans from the darkness that is currently the United States Soccer scene.

Now, I'm a soccer fan and all...but his arrival in the US seems more like the end of a rapidly declining career than some glorious moment for American soccer. Not, however, according to the guy who owns the LA Galaxy*:

"David Beckham will have a greater impact on soccer in America than any athlete has ever had on a sport globally," said Timothy J. Leiweke, president & CEO of Anschutz Entertainment Group, which owns the Galaxy. "David is truly the only individual that can build the bridge between soccer in America and the rest of the world."

Wouldn't you love to wake up each day with that kind of delusional optimism?

Let's see...Beckham's recent accomplishments are stepping down as captain of England's national squad, getting dropped from said team a month later, and joining Real Madrid, which then had it's worst slump in decades.

Sorry, Mr. Beckham. Six months after you arrive in LA, you will be famous for merely being the man who brought Posh Spice to the U.S.

*Note to Gary: The LA Galaxy is part of Major League Soccer. No, I'm not making that up. We have a national soccer league here in this country.

Our Inner Beavis and Butt-heads

Tonight during The Senator's Tae Kwon Do class, the instructor started teaching them "axe kicks." I was sitting with some other parents, and our collective heads snapped up when we heard that. Did he just say what I think he said?We listened more intently, and then started snickering and laughing every time "axe kick" was mentioned. Pretty soon we're all telling each other how we're going to show our kids what a really good axe-kicking looks like.

I thought the instructor was going to make us all do push-ups.

Gary Responds

I am utterly charmed.