Cathy in the Wright

Outpost Investigative Report

Chris H., The Outpost's Arizona correspondent and former hometown boy, recently went dove hunting with some friends and sent the following picture:

Chris, can you tell our reading audience...three guys on a hunting trip shoot four doves. Who gets the extra dove-ka-bob?

Well, Cathy, I find that if I start talking about how there are several dove mothers out there weeping uncontrollably, Jim and Tom lose their appetite and I wind up with a substantial meal.

Smooth maneuvering, Chris! Next question: How long were you men out hunting? Four doves doesn't seem like a very big haul.

Oh, geez. We were out there for hours. We could have had tons of birds, but Tom kept shooting off his mouth about how the Cards were going to suck pipe against the 49ers on the opener, so we wasted quite a lot of ammo making Tom dance.

Well, your boys did okay against San Francisco, but what happened in Seattle?

Don't even go there.

Sure, sure. Back to the hunting trip. Tough question here, Chris. I have to ask. Is there any truth to the rumor that a wider camera angle would have shown four blind-folded dove heads lying in the dirt just inches away from their bodies? That these doves lost their lives not in a hunting expedition but in a hushed-up act of domestic terrorism?

Nonsense.

Really? Because there were a few unconfirmed sources claiming the doves would have been released unharmed had they converted to Scientology as their captors demanded.

Absolutely false, Cathy, absolutely false. We're all confirmed Lutherans. Back to you.

Thank you, Chris. We look forward to your mid-October quail jihad hunting report!

The preceding report contains a few liberties. Under the Federal Fake but Accurate Act, the journalist, editor, and publisher are exempt from all responsibility for the content of this post. Thanks Chris, Jim, and Tom.

Posted by Cathy at September 19, 2006 12:40 AM