Cathy in the Wright

Once Upon A Time...

I had a lot to write about, but this evening, our neighbor issued an invitation to come up and hang out in their pool. So The Senator grabbed his swimsuit and a towel, and I grabbed a bottle of champagne and off we went. Damn the mosquitoes; full speed ahead.

Now I can't remember much of what I wanted to write about, except I had a mild rant forming over The Senator's Ranger Rick magazine that just arrived. In the middle of the publication was a mini, three page comic book featuring Ranger Rick (the uber-environmental racoon) and his woodland buddies being terrorized by evil off-road vehicles.

An off-road vehicle, or ORV, tears through Deep Green Wood like a tornado, shaking everthing and everyone in its path.

It rattles their homes...[picture of chipmunk holding onto breaking dishes]

...fills the air with stinky exhaust...[fox in straw bonnet planting a garden chokes on exhaust]

...and scares animals half to death.[rabbit huddled under patchwork quilt quaking with fear]

The woodland creatures gather for a rally which is subsequently disrupted by the evil ORV! Scarlett the Fox gets her leg caught under a branch and is right in the path of the on-coming four-wheeler. Can Ranger Rick save her? We'll have to wait until next month.

M'kay. I appreciate the idea of teaching kids about pollution and protecting habitats and all that mush, but this made me want to box up one of the dozen fresh racoon road kills on the county highway and mail it to the magazine with a note saying, "Ranger Rick threw himself in the path of the oncoming ORV to save Scarlett. I am looking forward to the next issue when you will have, I don't doubt, an inspiring obituary highlighting the heroic actions of this valiant racoon."

Or, supposing they use an understudy to keep Ranger Rick pontificating to young subscribers everywhere, here's a storyline I'd like to see: Ranger Rick, down on his luck because he's out of a job as a Kyoto treaty consultant, is reduced to picking through garbage cans while angry homeowners take pot shots at him with Daisy air rifles. He's caught in a live trap and doomed to be dispatched until a young woman, canvassing the neighborhood to drum up support for John Kerry, sees him in distress and thinking she can save him, opens the trap door. Ranger Rick rushes out, bites her on the arm, and flees into the street...only to be run over by a Volvo station wagon with a Wellstone sticker on the bumper.

I should write children's books for a living. I'd be so good at it.

Posted by Cathy at June 28, 2004 11:03 PM