Cathy in the Wright

A Christmas Letter

Dear Green Goddess, Professor and All:

It’s a pleasure to greet old friends and family and to let you know, again, how outstandingly well everybody has been doing in the year ending. In so reporting, we surpass modesty, but it’s difficult not to beam when the results are so shining.

For example, remember our precious Freddie, whose penmanship skills we recognized early through his uncanny replication of our signatures on those absence-excuse documents we found in his room. Those clever notes helped him elude the majority of his junior and senior years, but further skill in calligraphy gave him a diploma nevertheless. Let me tell you, that boy has come along way since his untimely conviction for forgery last January. It made us proud when the warden wrote recently to say that Freddie had moved to trustee status faster than anyone on record in the federal penal system, and we should reward him with a large cash deposit to his commissary account. Arthur and Tyrella Cynic, from next door, caution that the letter might be a calligraphic trick by our precious and talented lad, but we think not! Obviously, jealousy shrouds their canard in a cloak of faux concern. Humph!

More good news: Luella is expecting, and thanks to the wonder of DNA science, she anticipates a good chance at discovering who the father is. Whatever the case, it is almost certain to be a gentleman of breeding and perhaps even note. Conception occurred at the winter binge of Zeta Beta Tau fraternity, and these gentlemen are of the finest families. Luella is so fortunate, and we’re so proud.

Luella’s happenings allow her to share with her nearest sibling, the formerly Rt. Rev. Tillers Watson, the unique distinction of having been publicly defrocked.

Little Tommy is our most glittering star this season, participating actively, as he did, in this year’s global conference on the psychology of abnormal behavior in Montreal. He drew the rapt attention of the world’s foremost analysts for three days running, and found the limelight not at all uncomfortable, ensconced as he was in an adequately ventilated bell jar. With an assist from older brother Freddie, our Tommy has gained long-deserved recognition in the form of honorary degrees from Harvard and Yale. We push modesty further aside to report that Canada has named its $1 coin after Tommy—the Loonie.

Modesty recovers, however, when I write of the Mrs. and me. I’ll say nothing, except that we are quite content to bask in reflected glory, while our junior family members live up to the ancestral motto, “Nolo Contendere!”

Your loving relatives,
The Incubi

p.s. Please excuse our correspondence in Crayola; the major domo in charge of our residence is adamant in his opposition to the use of pens, pencils or other pointed implements of communication.

Posted by Professor at December 23, 2003 09:42 PM