“I’m Catholic,” and this is only the second time in my life I can remember beginning a communication with those words.
The first time was in 1968, when I took a job that involved travel. When I told my new boss, “I’m Catholic,” he was puzzled why that should affect my first trip. I replied, “Do I go to confession before or after turning in my expense account.” He didn’t care but promised he’d review my report “under a magnifying glass.”
I’m repeating those words now, because my church has a severe shortage of priests. As Time magazine noted last year, there are more Catholic clergy over age 90 than under age 30. This means, at some point, the supply will run out … and establishing a virtual clergy will be the only possible response. This is how it will work:
“Ring ….
“Hi, I am your virtual pastor, and your soul is important to me. Please use the number pad on your touchtone telephone to enter the appropriate four-digit parish code.
“You have selected St. ____ Parish. To proceed, press (1) for a list of sacraments; press (2) for televised mass times. If you need other help, press (3) and someone who has periodic contact with actual clergy may call back within two weeks—if we can clear up the backlog of calls from last year.
“You have selected Extreme Unction from among our virtual sacraments. If you are at the point of expiration, activate your speakerphone and press (1) to hear a short-form, perfect act of contrition. If you have time remaining, press (2) for a schedule of Extreme Unction telecasts on the Religion Channel.
“This concludes the Extreme Unction function. A deacon will contact your next of kin within seven days after we read your obituary to provide information about our annual mass for dead of the archdiocese—assuming that one of our three Western Hemisphere priests is available.
“Please press # to exit—the telephone call, I mean.”