Cathy in the Wright

Green Acres...

Awesome soccer last night. Hot, steamy, sweaty, and I scored. Twice. The dirty innuendos are up to you.

On the drive home I was thinking about country living. (It’s about an hour drive from the outpost to my Sunday playing field; I have a lot of time to think.) I love living in the country. You couldn’t pay me to move back to the city. Well, you could…but probably not with the numbers you’re sporting in your bank account. Bill Gates, possibly.

Anyway, I was thinking about the many things a city person, contemplating a move to a rural setting, should know. State law should really require an extended disclosure statement from anyone selling a plot of land within a stone’s throw of a cornfield or feed lot. Things you might find on such a statement might include:

1. Turkeys are called fowls for a reason. I’m not sure there is anything stinkier than a turkey barn. Except maybe two turkey barns. I would rather work in a medical examiner’s lab on the worst decomposing bodies than live next to a turkey barn. The only time a turkey ever smells good is coming out of the oven.

2. If you live on a dirt (gravel) road, you will never, ever be free of dust. Don’t bother cleaning for company until half an hour before they arrive, because by the time they leave, you will once again be able to write your name in the dust on coffee table.

3. And speaking of gravel roads…after a good soaking rain, driving on them is like driving on glare ice.

4. More driving advice: Never go anywhere without leaving yourself a little extra time in case the neighbor’s cows get out and are milling in the middle of the road.

5. Drive slowly when approaching any bridge over a river or creek. The local kids like to swim in the rivers and creeks, and often use these bridges as diving platforms. Frequently these kids will mill about (quite like loose cattle) in the middle of the road.

6. Do not ask any local country person for directions unless you have also lived in the country for some time. Country folks do not know street names. They never did. They use landmarks. For example, if you need to find the Miller’s farm, you will be told, “It’s about three miles up on the left. Turn by the big power lines. Go until you see the red silo. Take a right and follow the road to the old iron bridge. Hang a left just after the bridge. Go past the old Jessop farm, and take another right by the deep culvert where the Jones boy crashed his truck. The Miller’s are just up on the left past the place where that guy sells Herefords.”

7. When it comes time to harvest crops, farmers will work around the clock. If Farmer Smith wants to fire up the old combine at 11:30 at night…no one will think it’s odd. And the county sheriff’s deputy will laugh at you if you make a noise complaint.

8. Snowmobiles are a perfectly acceptable way to get to high school in the winter.

9. It is legal in most rural counties to pull over on the side of a County Highway and chat with a friend you’ve seen coming the other direction. Don’t worry; the friend will see you. Everyone watches the on-coming traffic to see if they might know someone. And if you make the mistake of concentrating on the road instead of the other drivers, you might miss it if someone waves to you. Then they’ll think you’re a stuffy, unfriendly city person. Total strangers will wave, and don’t think they won’t find out who you are if you don’t wave back.

10. Everyone will eventually know your business. It doesn’t matter how far out of town you live or how private a life you try to lead. Some day, a total stranger will approach you at the local diner and say, “Aren’t you the Camp woman? How’s your son’s sinus infection? Did your father-in-law get that piece of property he bid on? Did I hear that you’re all heading out to Colorado this summer? Hope you have a good visit.” And they mean it.

There are a lot of other examples, but any more than 10 could be construed as whining. That might give you the wrong impression. I really love living in the country.

Posted by Cathy at July 21, 2003 09:34 AM